Dr. Romance gets a lot of letters about older women dating younger men, which seems shocking to some people, but I don’t find it all that unusual.
Why would a younger man want to date an older woman? Who is not attracted to success, intelligence and experience? Young men can find this just as attractive in an older woman as in anyone else. Maybe she enjoys mentoring, maybe just the emotional stability of an older woman who knows her mind and her heart. These relationships can last; It’s not age that makes the difference, but how well the couple builds trust, partnership, and a life together.
Socially, there is a kind of role reversal, women are more powerful and may want younger and therefore more flexible men: men who can handle it if the woman’s career and lifestyle are more important. Movies and TV shows also show women that dating doesn’t have to be older. Women who have important careers or a well-developed self-image and want freedom and flexibility have more options. Divorced women who are established single moms may enjoy having a playmate, someone to have fun with, who doesn’t try to control her.
In my counseling office, I have seen many successful relationships with this type of older woman/younger man scenario. The media focuses on the age difference, but what really makes or breaks the relationship is how well the couple can form a working partnership or team.
The age difference is a concern of adolescents: when you are a teenager, an age difference of even two or three years makes a big difference in your experience and the way you see life. Such a difference can interfere with communication, life goals, outlook, and relationship experience. In addition, for young people, the social reaction to a relationship of this type is usually very negative. If one of the partners is a minor, a sexual relationship is even illegal.
But, as you get older, life experience and emotional growth help to even out your relationship skills and resources. A difference of ten years or more in their ages makes little difference in how well they can conduct their relationship.
Don’t focus on an arbitrary number difference in their ages. If you get along, have good communication and problem solving, and love each other, that’s a precious thing and far more important than any age difference. If other people have a problem with that, let it be their problem.
Whether a relationship is healthy or not is determined not by age differences, but by the interaction between the partners. A ten year difference is not too difficult to overcome, but age differences of twenty years or more can cause some difficulties as the couple ages. For example, the younger couple may mature and reconsider their choices, or an older couple may face aging issues much sooner. But, as long as both parties are adults and the couple has discussed their age difference and future possibilities, I don’t make judgments about their respective ages.
The reasons why some people choose to date people much younger (or older) than themselves are myriad, often going back to childhood. There are healthy and unhealthy reasons to date someone from a different generation. An inappropriate motivation for dating a younger person is the older person’s fear of getting older. A younger partner will not reverse the aging process or protect you from old age. Obviously, a man or woman dating someone as young as her children is going to encounter some social opposition, but the differences that can cause the biggest problems within a relationship are the different levels of maturity.
Most of us are used to older men dating younger women, but as more and more women choose younger partners for their relationships, the question arises: Are women in their 30s and 40s likely to have success with partners who are 10-15 years younger? what themselves?
Success in these relationships depends on what both people’s motivations are. Some older people feel younger at heart than their contemporaries and like to hang out with people who are as active as they are. Chronological age does not always reflect either physical ability or emotional maturity. Sometimes an age difference is a mentoring relationship: the older person advising the younger about life or career. This can backfire if the younger person decides that she has learned enough and wants to move on.
If you’re asking, “Is it okay for me to have a partner who is much older or younger than me?” You’ll do better if you forget about your ages and focus on whether or not the relationship works for both of you. What really makes a romantic relationship successful is the emotional connection, rather than the outward appearance. Men are more visually focused. A woman who hooks up with a much younger man may have a powerful career and are looking for someone to play with. It’s hard to know without knowing the couple.