Spray Tan: An Intimate and Interesting Experience!

As I’ve gotten older (and older) I’ve come to a conclusion: fat looks better dark! Therefore, as summer approaches, I am looking forward to wearing my shorts (let alone in a bathing suit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you’ve never spray tanned before, live vicariously through me and then decide!

Step One: Call ahead to make an appointment. Decide when to go based on when the store is least busy (as if everyone doesn’t know tanning is fake).

Step Two: The “tanning technician” tells me to exfoliate and not use lotions or makeup.

Step three: decide to shower right before the appointment. Exfoliate.

Step Four: Get out of the bathtub.

Step Five: Realize that you have a lot of HAIR (down and around the places that will be spray-tanned) and go back to the bathtub.

Step six: shave the places you can’t see. I was impressed by my ability to stretch and fold like a pretzel. I wonder if there is enough hair to donate to “Locks of Love”.

Step Seven: I wonder if what my two-year-old daughter just witnessed will scar her for life.

Step Eight: Go to the tanning salon without lotion or makeup (resist the urge to itch the immediate shave burn and feel a new “hairless butt.”

Step Nine: Act like I’m not uncomfortable while taking off my thong underwear. Feel good about the decision to shave (places down there).

Step Ten: Put on a silly shower cap.

Step Eleven: Try not to make eye contact with the “spray tanned lady” as the actual act of spraying another naked person is quite uncomfortable.

Step Twelve: I clap silently because she doesn’t ask me to “bend over” to spray the crevice of the butt (the white tan line doesn’t bother me!).

Step Thirteen: I wonder if the “tanning technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my butt are a real map.

Step fourteen: pretend you don’t realize that she has to go over your butt cheeks about 5 times (whereas all other areas took once).

Step Fifteen: Pretend it’s not uncomfortable while lifting your legs to make sure there are no tan lines on the bikini line.

Step Sixteen: Let things dry. Get on the board the moment it takes to dry and dance in the mirror with your shower cap on after the tanner leaves the room.

Step Seventeen: Get out of the tanning room and pretend that that tanning girl and I are probably married in some countries (considering the things you’ve seen!)

Step Eighteen: Put all tanning solutions back on the shelves that my two-year-old has removed.

Step Nineteen: Remove the “palm tree” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other parts of her body).

Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again: “Yes, even fat looks better tanned!”

Step Twenty-One: Look Fabulous With A Spray Tan Without The Risk Of The Sun!

Step Twenty-Two: Tell everyone about the experience I had and certainly encourage them to go through the same things that I had to go through!

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