As a psychiatrist who specializes in addictions, I have heard many complaints over the years from different clients about their experiences dating an alcoholic boyfriend. The stories are like a country western song where the chorus is always the same. The recurring theme is a pattern of alcoholic behavior that includes being irresponsible and lying. Here’s a recent case from my practice that illustrates the difficulties of having a boyfriend with an alcohol problem.
TR is 24 years old and has been dating a recovering alcoholic for six months. They get along well and she is very happy that he treats her 4 year old son with love and kindness. His son has become very fond of him. Several weeks ago, TR was at a family dinner with her alcoholic boyfriend, her parents, and some close friends. Her boyfriend excused himself from the table. Never comeback! She called him several times on his cell phone, but he did not answer. She didn’t know what to think. He felt a variety of emotions including anger, resentment, worry, shame (how do you explain it to your family), and panic. She didn’t hear from him for 2 days! When he finally contacted her, he gave her a crazy excuse why he had left dinner without telling anyone. I knew he was lying. She confronted him for having a relapse with alcohol. He denied it and became very defensive.
This case is a variation on the following themes I heard: she disappeared, lost her cell phone, her car broke down, etc. The other common scenarios are that the girlfriend finds empty alcohol bottles hidden in the drawers, her boyfriend walks in devastated at 3 in the morning, promises to stop drinking alcohol, but continues to drink.
Typical alcoholic behavior has a negative impact on the victim (you). Alcoholic behavior includes lying, hiding drinking, not being responsible for keeping in touch, becoming defensive to an alcohol relapse when confronted, and denying that alcohol is the dominant force in your life (interfering with your personal life and his work).
Anyone with an active alcohol problem focuses on drinking alcohol and not on a relationship. Its main relationship is with a bottle of alcohol. A person who actively drinks alcohol or uses drugs cannot consistently meet the needs of their partner. He thinks you need alcohol (your brain depends on alcohol) and you think you need it.
The more alcoholic behavior you are willing to put up with, the more you are showing that you are addicted to it, in your own way. If you decide to go into alcoholic recovery, it usually takes a year of sobriety to be able to handle a romantic relationship.
Marriages with an alcoholic husband tend to be very stormy and difficult. If you continue to marry your alcoholic boyfriend, chances are you have issues with your own self-esteem that should be addressed. Try attending Al-Anon meetings to gain perspective on your unhealthy relationship and learn to set proper boundaries. Therapy can also be helpful. Learn to take care of yourself.