Illusory icons of today
My generation grew up watching Mary Tyler Moore proudly defend herself in the boorish world of business, Edith innocently defy Archie’s bigotry, and Maude champion social reform. We read about the “women’s movement” in Cosmopolitan magazine, while Cher broke new ground with her unabashed sexuality. Over the years, our older sisters’ struggles made it possible for us to open doors, to outdo them, to rise above them. As we grew up, we dreamed of meeting our Prince Charming, but we also imagined working in the city or becoming a doctor or lawyer. Indeed, over the years we have made significant strides in our quest for equality with men in business and society, but what about relationships?
Science tells us that women’s nurturing and domestic qualities are instinctual; however, we also learned ways of thinking and interacting with others from our mothers, who, of course, learned from their mothers. But what had we learned? Thirty years ago, most of us watched our mothers tend to our fathers, while discarding their own ideas and neglecting themselves. They did what was expected of them, but were they happy? As one woman said, “I’ll never forget that look on my mother’s face…she couldn’t have been happy.” We told ourselves that things would be different in our relationships, and they are, to a degree. But had the freedom and independence that had finally bubbled to the surface made us wiser and more connected to our inner selves, or simply given us more outer choices? Had these achievements influenced our role as caring and kind companions?
In discussing this topic with women as young as thirteen and older, I could see that the older women who had been influenced by our pioneer sisters knew how important individuality and respect was for women. The younger ones, however, seemed to display the same modest demeanor as in previous years, putting the needs and desires of the men above their own. This new generation of females seemed unsuspecting, naive, and oblivious to what women before us had accomplished. Consequently, if the way we think and behave is the result of what we were taught and exposed to as children, what does that tell us about girls growing up today?
Have you noticed how obsessed most young women seem to be with having the best body, face and hairstyle? Why is physical “perfection” a priority today? Could it be the dozens of makeover and plastic surgery shows on TV or the constant marketing of products that consume the airwaves and billboards, luring our young girls with false promises of happiness and everlasting love, and almost hypnotizing them into buy your potions and magical gadgets? – Look like your favorite movie star and enjoy a wonderful life! Those kinds of misleading messages are embarrassing and potentially damaging to women who are trying in vain to live up to the ideal media archetype. Our young women need to believe that they don’t have to look, think, or behave like the rich and famous, or do what the so-called “trend setters” dictate just so advertisers and retailers can make money.
I’m also concerned that many girls feel like they need a man (actually a boy) in their lives to feel complete. Part of the reason is age, the dawn of hormones, but could it also be the result of reality TV where a dozen women compete for one man using any means necessary? These shows have turned meeting and winning a man’s heart (aka “falling in love”) into a fierce viewer-driven event featuring ruthless women acting as if men are all but extinct!
Now, I admit that as kids we wanted to have boyfriends and wore makeup (remember that black eyeliner and blue eyeshadow?), but I also remember that all of that was just a part of our lives as budding young women. We were also curious about the world, about who we were and what we would become. One of the reasons for the somewhat distorted thinking of today’s young women could be that the world around them is not teaching them about integrity, confidence, or self-esteem. Parents today work very hard and can only hope that their children will listen to their words of wisdom and experience. It is a losing battle when young women are bombarded with selfish and misleading messages emanating from the media around them.
Please note that when I state my case I am not advocating censorship here. I’m also not in favor of producing a class of women who hate men, far from it. I am talking about taking responsibility for teaching our young people the difference between what is true and appropriate for them in real life, and what is presented for “surprise” and entertainment purposes. We need to get the word out to our young women that they have a choice not to be that woman in the half-naked dancing video and still get a boyfriend (and a better quality one). We have to tell them that it’s okay to refrain from using (and listening to) offensive and disgusting language, and that Britney and Christina are dressed like this because they’re on stage (not in a classroom), and yes, blowjobs are! sex!
We have to teach our little sisters how to be comfortable in their own skin by yelling Be nice to yourself! Don’t obsess over your appearance or berate yourself for not having the slimness of a model. As women, we are our own harshest critics and hold ourselves to ridiculous standards. Be independent! Don’t just say, “Wouldn’t that be nice…” Do it! Set limits! Do not let anyone mistreat you, defend yourself and keep your word. Express your thanks! When we embrace gratitude and humility, even more kindness and love comes to us. Listen to your inner voice! Don’t be someone who jumps to conclusions, but if you have that “feeling” in the background, don’t ignore it, trust your instincts. Believe in yourself! Decide what you want, pursue it wholeheartedly, and stay committed. Let them see your joy! Joy manifests itself in our smiles and our eyes, and allows us to attract even more love into our lives. Remember, what you give, you get back.