the downhill lie is my introduction to the writing of Carl Hiassen. My beautiful and much more informed schoolteacher wife is already familiar with her writing through her Newberry Award-winning novel, Hoot.
Like many middle-aged dreamers, hoping that reading how to do something instead of actually doing it might give me that illusory “oneness with the golf universe,” I was browsing the sports section at a local bookstore and came across this seductress. chronicle of a man in his fifties who returns to golf.
This intriguing question got me hooked: “What possesses a man to return in middle age to a game in which he never excelled in his prime and which, in fact, had led him mainly to failure, heartbreak, and exasperation?” There was an immediate connection that drew me inexorably to the Carl Hiassen universe.
What is it about the game of golf that would tempt me to leave a perfectly comfortable recliner, well-stocked refrigerator, and climate-controlled cave to meet the challenges of a hot, bug-infested golf course that is impeccably groomed and perfectly designed for increase my risk of heart attack, stroke, and assault?
Once again, I identified with Hiassen when he wrote: “Unfortunately, the most important fact about golf is about as relaxing as a digital prostate exam: it’s hard…
When I decided to reconnect with the game, I had no illusions about being really good at it. I just wanted to be better at something in middle age than when I was young.”
Hiassen recounts his 577-day foray into his return to the world of golf beginning with the purchase of clubs: “After a few minutes of wandering around in a daze, I confess I have no idea what kind of clubs to buy.
However, my plan is to start cheap. Minimizing investment in golf equipment should make it easier to not take the game so seriously and, if necessary, allow for an honorable retirement.”
His return to golf takes the reader on a fun ride that concludes with a 45-hole tournament that he describes as: “No merry romp for a lonely, neurotic, doubt-ridden fool”. His golf partner dismissed it as “A Pair of Bad Nines, That’s All” What Hiassen comments is like saying, “Don’t let an iceberg or two ruin your whole cruise.”
Hiassen sums up the temptation of golf in his ‘day 577’ entry after the tournament ends. He is looking at his son Quinn:
“But today is a brilliant morning of marching, breezy and cloudless, and despite recent injuries from the tournament, it feels good to stand in the sun on the practice field, just watching.
For a second, I’m a kid again… and I can remember exactly how great it felt to punch one, really squash it, and then look back to catch the look on my dad’s face.”
My biggest complaint about the downhill lie is that I really have better things to do, but none as fun as reading this book.