If you have been close to someone who has died, you feel pain. At times, it seems almost unbearable. You may also feel despair and hopelessness. Guilt, anger, and depression are normal emotions that can rear their ugly heads.
How can you deal with the pain of loss? What have others done to mitigate your grievance? Some strengthen their support network by joining a support group, while others lean on good friends who will share their pain and not try to fix it. Very few are aware that their most powerful coping response is to strengthen their ability to love. Yes, to love. Don’t stop reading. It works over and over again, because it takes you out of yourself, as you’ll see.
Few counselors or therapists recommend the focus on love because it seems like quite a Pollyanna approach to coping with a major life change. However, in my experience, it is the most productive internal choice you can make. Here are three ways you can use this approach to reduce and eventually eliminate your pain.
1. Work to increase your capacity to love in separation. Start with the intention that even though your loved one has died, your relationship never will. It changes to a relationship based on memories, new traditions and celebrations in which the loved one is symbolically remembered. This is extremely important: you can love in separation even while reinvesting in your new life, as you should. It will help you get over your great loss.
This means that there is nothing wrong with talking to your loved one every day. Consider what psychotherapist Thomas Moore, in Dark Nights of the Soul, says about talking to your deceased loved ones:
“The dead have lived in our space, in our homes and on our land. They are part of our world… I pray for and for my mother, and I trust that she still prays for me… I talk to her now more than never… Perhaps if we honored the dead more, we would know better what it means to have reverence for life…”
Light a symbolic candle at holidays and family gatherings as a new tradition, start a memorial trust or scholarship fund, plant a memorial tree in their honor, listen to the deceased’s favorite music, or eat their favorite food or dessert. Find ways to love. Print Moore’s quote to use as a reminder to become an expert at loving in separation.
2. Begin each day with the intention of being a more loving person to everyone you meet. At the same time, commit to being more loving and caring with family and friends. For those with whom you have had conflicts in the past, look first for the good and your strengths.
Focus on specific forms of kindness: sincere compliments, dedicating your time to one of your causes or interests, volunteering at your local soup kitchen, making prayer shawls or quilts for the newly grieving, or joining a group with an environmental purpose . The interaction will help you immensely. Find ways to truly love.
3. Use this daily check on your progress. We all have to start new routines after the death of our loved one. So add this new routine to your schedule. Every night, at the end of the day, go to your favorite quiet place in your home. Sit quietly for a few moments. Listen to your breath. Relax and light a candle, if you like, or put on soft music.
Then ask yourself this question: “What moment during the day did I most appreciate when I freely gave or received love? Immerse yourself in it and take note of all the details surrounding the experience. Give thanks for the experience. After a few minutes, Ask yourself this question: “What time during the day was the least difficult for me, where I did not choose to give love or receive it? Consider the circumstances, and then decide what you could have done to influence a different outcome. Every day, seek to become more aware of the needs of yourself and others, and how your efforts will make a big difference in the quality of life.
What happens when you give and receive love is that you will find many opportunities to strengthen your social network, which is more important for healing than any medicine or vitamin. Once again, through love, you will reduce the risk of getting depressed and literally strengthen your immune system.
Loving is a choice and quite a reasonable one; it will bring many new ideas to consider, people to meet, and places to go. It is inevitable, as it takes you away from the pain of loss and puts you in a new focus of gratitude for life. It gradually leads to the greatest prize of all: inner peace.