If you are going through a divorce or are already divorced and are consumed with anger and frustration at being disrespected by your ex, I can relate to how you feel.
I have struggled with the immense pain of being consumed by anger, frustration, worrying about the effects on my young son, and feeling sick of my ex not respecting me.
It felt like he was walking on eggshells. No matter what I said or did, no matter how hard I tried, the ex seemed to get angrier and more unreasonable.
It was apparent that the divorce situation was having an extremely negative impact on our daughter. She was getting whiny, which she had never done before. She was having trouble sleeping, which was also new.
The situation kept getting worse.
There had to be something he could do to change things, but he had no idea where to start.
However, I knew that I had to do something different to try to create change, and I knew that it had to start with me because I am the only person I can control or change.
The opportunity to change arose during a situation that was having an extremely negative impact on our young daughter.
Legal custody of our daughter was equal to 50/50. We had been able to work together for over two years to communicate and determine the timetable for when we would each have our daughter. After several variations, we settled on a bi-weekly schedule, with our daughter going to the other parent’s house on Wednesdays.
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the ex refused to talk (or listen) about the schedule and ordered that we stick to the schedule documented in our divorce decree.
I was flabbergasted to realize that the divorce decree outlined a schedule every other day.
This would mean a lack of consistency and stability, as our little 3-year-old girl was going back and forth between our two houses every day.
This doesn’t even begin to explain the differences between the two households in terms of parenting, guidelines, and much more.
I was afraid that this new schedule could result in extreme trauma for our young daughter.
My thoughts and feelings were confirmed when I shared the situation with a child psychologist, who was also called.
(If I were to get into the fact that any divorce lawyer would suggest, let alone allow, this type of physical custody program to be included in a divorce decree, I would be writing for days…).
He wasn’t just angry. She was stunned and furious that the ex ordered our 3 year old daughter to have a schedule every other day.
How self centered! How oblivious to the negative effects a schedule every other day would have on our son!
I found myself trapped in a vicious cycle of reacting with vehement fury towards the ex.
Needless to say, this only served to make matters worse. I realized that I had to do something different, since what I was doing wasn’t working at all.
As I pondered what might help, I realized… my reaction to the ex was never going to get any better.
I knew that I wanted to try to create a divorce environment that would provide balance and support for our daughter. And this is where I started to change my perspective and approach.
Providing our daughter with consistency and stability was essential. This meant stopping the every other day schedule and trying to go back to a every other week time period.
The ex refused to even listen. In fact, she got angrier.
I felt like I had no choice, so I took her back to court about the custody schedule.
There is irony in this decision as we never appeared before the judge. Sitting in the hallway outside the courtroom, our respective attorneys began to “negotiate.” There were many comings and goings, and many accusations coming from the ex.
The ex said that the only way she would change the schedule is if I gave her 50% of an education fund that she had personally set up for our daughter.
I was stupefied! How do you dare! The audacity to steal what I had prepared for my daughter!
Couldn’t be more self centered.
For me, our daughter’s well-being was the top priority, and her mother was doing it for money, money that was NOT hers!
Then it hits me. By angering me, he was being self-centered and doing it for money.
I shifted my focus to what I wanted to create for our daughter. And this included having a balanced schedule.
I took a few slow, deep breaths and calmly told my lawyer to say “Yes” to handing over 50% of the amount of the educational fund I had set up for our daughter, to the ex.
As soon as my decision was shared with the ex and her lawyer, we were able to come to an agreement and agree on a schedule every two weeks.
I made this decision for the sake of my precious daughter. Yes, I had to let go of my anger and re-channel the soulful energy stemming from my anger.
This helped me learn one of the most powerful lessons of my life.
When I feel really angry and allow myself to react to it, I know that it will never be very likely that I will be able to create or get what I really want.
When I changed my focus to creating a divorce environment in which my daughter would thrive, I changed the energy I had been putting out and we were able to come to an agreement.
Looking back, do I still think the ex was being self-centered and unreasonable to an extreme? Absolutely, yes I do.
However, I had determined my number one priority, my daughter. And then I was able to put my anger aside and shift my intentional focus to creating a more positive and nurturing environment for our daughter…and this was the result.
This is my challenge to you… Think about the last time you reacted with anger towards your ex.
What was it that really triggered you?
Did he get you what you really wanted? Of course, no.
Now commit to being more aware, more prepared for the next interaction with your ex.
Think about what you really want to create and why.
For this, my why was my daughter. I wanted to work on creating a more positive environment for her.
When you find that anger begins to simmer in the depths of your soul, what is something you can say to yourself or do that will blow you away, help you shift your focus to what you really want to create?
Think about what you want to create for your children, focus your attention on it, and determine what you are going to say or do next to get closer to it.
As you track this and nurture it, condition by being consistent, you will be able to maintain self-control, remain calm, and change the outcome for the good of your children.
Changing your perspective changes everything. It allows you to move out of anger and into a more intentional state of being.