Introduction
Probably the number one question I get asked most often by gay couples is, unsurprisingly, “How can I improve my relationship?” So, in keeping with the holidays and the start of a new year, I thought I’d write a short review listing some potential action steps you could take to improve your partnership in the coming year. We’ve all heard of making personal New Year’s Resolutions like “I’m going to lose weight this year” or “I’m going to hit the gym more often,” but what if we expanded on that concept and created Resolutions for our relationships?
With our busy lifestyles and excessive demands on our time, it can be very easy to take our relationships for granted and unconsciously place them at the lower end of our priority scale. And with those couples who have been together for a long time, it’s even easier to establish comfortable routines and patterns (like on autopilot) at the expense of tending to and nurturing our relationship with our partner. This neglect is the main reason for relationship discord, boredom and a host of other problems that begin to erode the foundation of our bonds as lovers/husbands.
Catapult your relationship into the new year!
The conscious intention to put consistent energy into your relationship is crucial to its longevity and success. So why not as a couple create your own list of New Year’s Resolutions for your relationship and make sure you pay attention to the items on your list? In fact, the actual act of the two of you sitting down and developing a list would be a great first item, something the two of you could do creatively that encourages bonding and brainstorming with each other about ways to enhance your connection. In essence, the two of you are creating a vision for your relationship, and the sheer act of doing so begins to cement a greater intimacy between you as you have common goals to strive for and celebrate successes along the way.
Need help creating some Resolutions? While it will have more meaning and substance if you and your partner can come up with your own, here are some examples you could use; they might even generate some additional ideas of their own! Do it and enjoy the process!
Examples of New Years Resolutions for a Relationship
“For this year 2006, as a couple, we resolve to do the following for the benefit and growth of our relationship…”
1. Listen to each other without interrupting as a way to improve our communication and validate each other’s perspectives on issues.
2. Take note of the “little things” we do and acknowledge our observation of these things as a way of continuing to give ourselves positive strokes.
3. Make more time for each other and restructure our schedules so that we have more quality time and availability to go out and enjoy each other.
4. To make love with more passion, intensity and creativity.
5. Create a scrapbook of memories of our life together that will act as a legacy of our relationship.
6. Make sure we have some kind of daily dialogue that keeps us focused on each other and keeps the distractions in our lives at bay.
7. Surprise each other with simple adorations of our love for each other, whether it’s flowers sent to the office or a love note slipped into our briefcases.
8. Attend personal growth workshops, couple retreats, sign up for relational coaching sessions or read books that help us continue to grow and develop as a couple.
9. Make more friends and surround ourselves with positive people who affirm and support our relationship.
10. Resolve any self-esteem issues or internalized homophobia any of us may have that interfere with our ability to show the world that we are proud to be gay and a couple.
11. Say “I love you” more often and take time-outs as needed
when we are angry not to escalate the problems and say things
they will hurt each other.
12. Ensure that each of us has both an individual identity and a couple identity to bring more balance/health to our
camaraderie. Having outside interests, hobbies, and passions will help bring more newness and freshness into our lives.
13. Being honest and direct with our feelings and needs instead of keeping things to ourselves. We will also avoid blaming each other and will own up to mistakes and take responsibility for them.
Conclusion
And the list can go on and on. Refine these, as well as the ones you came up with, to make them specific, concrete, and measurable. This way, both of you will know exactly what you need to do to achieve the goals you’ve set for yourself because they’re spelled out with no “leeway” for sabotage, and you’ll make sure they’re achievable. Prioritize your items and only focus on a few initially so you don’t get too overwhelmed.
Keep up with these tasks and your commitment will soar to new heights! Reward each other for jobs well done and regularly evaluate and check in with each other to assess how you are doing and if any revisions or additions are needed. Happy New Year and all the best with your new relationship goals and objectives!
©2006 Brian L. Rzepczynski
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Brian Rzepczynski, Certified Personal Life Coach, is The Gay Love Coach: “I work with gay men who are ready to create a road map that leads them to find and build a lasting partnership with the right man.” To sign up for Gay Love Coach’s FREE newsletter, full of dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to view current coaching groups, shows and teleclasses, visit http://www.TheGayLoveCoach.com
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