My shopping addiction almost cost me more than money
“How did this happen again?” I whispered. There I kept unopened credit card bills that had been hidden under my bed so my husband wouldn’t find them. I felt like I was going to vomit standing there with the bills placed in front of me. When I opened them, I was speechless. How had he spent another $ 2000 this month? Sure, I love to shop, but only once or twice a week, my husband knew. What could he have spent that amount of money on? My husband would go crazy if he ever knew how out of control my spending is. He thought that the only money he spent was written on the checkbook, but the reality of it all was that I only used the checkbook for what I “thought” that he would not rant and rave. I felt like I had no other choice, I couldn’t tell him because when he got angry the ravings and ravings could last for hours or even days and he could go days without even speaking to me. I have no idea what I’m going to do. I’m drowning and I don’t see a way out.
Owing $ 28,000 on credit cards is never the way to get out of debt.
As I looked at the balances of the 4 credit cards in front of me, I was surprised to see that I actually owed $ 28,000. I had the invoices coming to my office address so I wouldn’t know the truth. This was the fourth time that I got into situations like this, he said if he ever did something like that again, he would leave me. What he didn’t know was the last time I didn’t tell him about the other two letters he still had. He just couldn’t, he would have gotten even angrier and was afraid that would be the last straw, so I repeatedly assured him that there were no other letters. She knew lying to him was wrong, but she was very afraid of what she might do. Looking back now, I see how messed up my life was then and I think the purpose of these compulsive shopping was because I had no control over my life or anything else. To say that he was afraid he would hurt me physically would be an overstatement, but at this point he had so much control over me with verbal abuse that it didn’t have to be physical.
It got to the point where I had convinced myself that there was no difference because I was making a payment every month, I had convinced myself that I could get out of the hole that I had dug. My thought was that as soon as I got more money, I would pay it off.
Exchanging money
I was a little worried every time I had to get a cash advance; however, every time I approached the maximum limit of the card I was using for cash advances, another card would arrive in the mail. Then I would convince myself that this was the one I would use to go free. Before I knew it, I was going shopping and buying some things that I knew my husband would think I didn’t need, so I pulled out the newest card. My theory was that he worked hard every day and if he could buy things like hunting gear, I could buy whatever I wanted. The years of this cycle went on and on until one day I realized that I owed almost $ 28,000.
I will never forget the fall of 2002, it changed my life forever. Along with 4 other moms I attended a weekend Christian Women’s Workshop, one of the speakers spoke about how guilt and how guilt did not come from God but from Satan and the price it could take on our lives. As I sat there, God spoke to my heart in such a way that I knew I had to talk to my husband and tell him everything as soon as he got home. While eating my lunch that day, my husband called. I was furious! She said that Melissa, my secretary, told her husband, Stephen, that she owed people everywhere and that my credit card bills were coming into the office. Her husband decided to tell everyone at the table that they were having lunch with. Garrett was so angry I could hear it in his voice.
I was out of control
“Oh God no.” was all I could think of. I was speechless and had to run to catch my breath.
He continued in a deep, angry and deliberate voice. “She laughed and thought it was very smart for you to hide these things from me.” He was freaking out, calling me every name in the book, yelling and screaming.
“Please calm down Garrett.”
“You promised me this would never happen again.” The Scream.
He finally hung up on me saying that if I cared about my kids or our marriage, I’d better go home and go home now. I knew I couldn’t because I had brought the other 4 women with me in my car. After that, he refused to answer the phone when I called the rest of the weekend. I knew it was wrong. Then the last message I left for him the day before I left and came home was that I actually had $ 28,000 in credit card debt. I assumed he needed to know, and since he was not answering the phone, I could allow him to process the actual amount.
Honesty
I went home after the weekend workshops and he was waiting for me. We talked for hours and I think for the first time he and I were honest with each other. He wanted to leave me, but he agreed to counseling first and we started the following week. After being in counseling for about a month, I finally began to see that it was actually a way to be in control. I have worked and continue to work on the way that I allowed my husband to treat me and it completely changed the way I think and deal with stress. God has sent us our wonderful counselor and our pastor, who have been instrumental in helping us heal our relationship.
All of this was about 17 years ago. We have really grown as Christians and as parents. Today he is my best friend, but it was not easy. We are finally how God wants us to be with each other and I am so blessed. I learned that even when you think lying is the best route, it is never the right thing to do. Now they tease me for being brutally honest, but that’s okay. We are in a wonderful place. It took a lot of work, but anything worth having is worth working for.