If you thought your in-laws were intrusive before you had kids, then stick with your maternity pants. The “fun” has just begun. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the truth is that your relationship with your in-laws is likely to become more strained once the kids enter the picture.
But you probably found out the day you announced you were pregnant. Oh yes, that was the day her father-in-law insisted she follow tradition and name his son (or daughter) “Clyde Waldo Dufus III.” And later that night, her mother-in-law bought plane tickets and reserved a seat in the front row of the delivery room, followed by a two-month visit in her guest room.
Don’t get me wrong; Some in-laws are wonderful people who respect her daughter-in-law’s needs instead of expecting her to revolve everything around her. Let’s take a Jeff Foxworthy-style approach to finding out if he has intrusive in-laws.
You may have intrusive in-laws if:
#10 They insist that they have the right to be present in the delivery room.
#9 They compete with the other group of grandparents fighting over who sees the baby first, who stays at your house first, who is called “grandma”, who buys the best toys, etc.
#8 They make it clear that they don’t like the name you chose for their child…and may even go so far as to refuse to call him by that name.
#7 They insist that you should breastfeed your baby rather than leave the decision up to you.
#6 They pressure you to let your baby cry in his crib for a while instead of letting you decide if you want to hold him or not.
#5 They give you lessons on the importance of spanking instead of leaving the disciplinary decisions to you and your husband.
#4 They insist that you spend the entire holiday at their house and try to make you feel guilty if you try to start new Christmas traditions.
#3 They think they have the right to spend time with their grandchildren whenever they want; therefore, they show up uninvited, insist that you come and visit them constantly, etc.
#2 They undermine your authority by saying things to your husband and son to imply that you are not a good mother or that your opinions are greater than theirs.
#1 They refer to the baby as their child instead of yours.
Here are some tips to help you survive intrusive in-laws:
* Replace your insecurity with confidence. You and your husband are the final authority over your children. If your in-laws don’t approve of something you’re doing, what then? You don’t need their approval, so don’t act like you do. Just because they don’t agree with something you do doesn’t mean they’re bad parents.
* Learn to let your in-laws get mad at you. Don’t constantly overlook your own needs just to keep others happy. For example, if you want to spend the first week of the hospital at home alone with your husband, tactfully tell both parents. If they make a fuss, let them know it’s not an issue.
*Behave as an adult on equal terms with your in-laws. Your in-laws are not superior to you, so don’t behave as if they are. The next time you get unwanted advice, say “Thanks for your advice, but I’ve decided to do it this way” or “I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree.” His opinions are just that…opinions, not facts.
*Couple unit. Tell your husband specific things that you need him to say when certain situations arise, such as, “Honey, the next time your mom says something to you that suggests I’m a lousy mother, I need you to tell her that.” You’re not willing to listen to her say negative things about me.”
Only you can change your life. Develop healthy behavior patterns by saying and doing new things to show that you are now an assertive parent. You can’t force your in-laws to change their behavior, but if you change yours, chances are they’ll change theirs too.