I often have people tell me that they live in a state of great anxiety when they separate from their spouse. They are often in a lot of pain and assume the worst as they feel their life is in crisis. I fully understand this. The period of time that my husband and I were separated was one of the most painful and terrifying of my life. However, now that I look back, I realize that I could have done a few things that would have made it much easier. It probably could have saved me a lot of pain, too. So, in the following article, I’ll offer some tips on how to best handle a trial separation so that it goes as smoothly as possible and so that you have the best chance of improving or saving your marriage rather than ending it.
Don’t assume your marriage is over: I can’t tell you how common it is for people to assume that the beginning of a separation means the end of their marriage. Of course, they hope this is not true. But in their hearts, they fear that it is.
While this is understandable, it is very important that you do not allow any doubts to cloud your judgment and affect your actions. Yes, I know this is scary. But very often, if you fear a thing so much that you place every thought or action in alignment with it, you almost make the thing you fear most more likely.
Not all couples who separate end up divorcing. Many don’t. Some not only save their marriages, but also make them even better. And, even better news than this is that your actions, behaviors, and strategies can have an impact on what happens now. It’s not like you don’t have any control over the outcome. You do. So be careful not to give up before you’ve had a chance to fight. I know firsthand that this is a scary time, but do your best to think positively, knowing that this will give you the best chance of success and make this easier to bear.
Try to agree on the details before someone moves in: I know it can be painful and uncomfortable to talk beforehand about how often you will meet or communicate. But this is almost always going to be the best call. One of the biggest conflict issues once the separation begins is not meeting expectations. Often one person will assume one thing while the other will assume another. When expectations or hopes are not met, people feel hurt or assume the worst. All of this can be avoided if you describe what will happen before someone moves out and before misunderstandings start. Try to agree as much as you can so you both know what to expect.
Describe what you will do to improve the situation. Commit to being proactive instead of reactive: Many people just blindly hope that time and distance will work for them. In other words, they prepare and hope for the best. I am not going to tell you that this is an impossible strategy. Often a breakup shows both people taking each other for granted and often missing each other so much that they are motivated to get along much better.
But, the problem with this is that even though the motivation level goes up, sometimes nothing has been done to solve the problems that lead to the separation to begin with. So while that issue may not come up again in the reconciliation phase, wait until your relationship is under stress again. This brings doubts and insecurity that can lead to more problems.
In short, if you can commit to solving your problems (and this can happen after the separation is over if this is easier for you), then you will have much more confidence in your marriage. And as a result, you’ll have a much lower chance of this happening again.
Don’t do things that you will later regret. Remember that he is still married: Sometimes when there are a lot of doubts about what will happen to the future of your marriage, it can start to feel like what you do today won’t matter anyway. One of the biggest things that prevents a reconciliation is when one or both spouses behave during the separation that ends up jeopardizing their marriage. People will often act in ways that they never would have considered when they weren’t apart. And in a sense this is understandable because you are vulnerable and you are under a lot of stress. So it can feel pretty good to blow off steam. Or it might be tempting to go out for a drink with that cute coworker because it would boost your self-esteem at a time when it’s desperately needed.
However, I strongly believe that you should resist these temptations. You’re still married and I can’t tell you how often I see marriages end because one or both spouses started dating other people during the separation. Don’t do anything that could jeopardize your marriage, and know that your spouse may discover things that you were sure would remain a secret.
Know that strengthening yourself and conducting yourself with dignity will only help your marriage in the long run: People often resist being self-employed when they are apart. Understandably, your entire focus is on your spouse, your marriage, and what’s wrong. But frankly, there’s probably never a better time to work on yourself. First of all, you probably have more free time right now. Second, it will often make you feel productive and provide some relief. Third, it is likely to make her appear more attractive to her husband. I know it’s easy to just sit at home and get discouraged by her situation, but doing so doesn’t bring your husband closer to you. But, if she sees that you make the best of things because you love and respect yourself enough to do so, then she will do the same. Valuing yourself enough to do this makes you appear more valuable to others. And increasing your perceived value can be vital right now.