I am always asked what to do next, what will help us make a difference in our lives as adoptive or foster parents? My answer always starts with… Intentionally build a safety net for your child. There are several ways we do that and I think one of the most fundamental ways is when we meet them right where THEY are.
Our children come to us with so much life and loss behind them. Among other things, developmental milestones have been missed and the impacts of trauma have taken hold. They have had to adapt and survive. There is so much behind the cover of the book that it is the story of his life.
As I continue to answer my question, I urge you and those who have asked it before to realize that we seem to know this story, as if we have read this book before and we seem to know the ending. Here’s the BIG part: It may seem the same, but it’s imperative that you remember to never judge a book’s pages by its cover. It is VERY important that we check our expectations and read the book with an open mind and heart… even memorizing every page.
Meeting your child right where they are increases your child’s success in life and, ultimately, in relationships. Start by understanding that your chronological age and her emotional age are NOT the same. He may look 13, but that doesn’t mean he’s prepared to emotionally handle all that that entails (remember… book-cover). Do you see your child sabotaging the goodness in his life? What about problems making friends, doing housework, or taking care of toys/things? What if emotionally that 13 year old can really only deal with life as a 6 year old himself? What if your seven-year-old can only handle himself emotionally at 3? What if your 3-year-old is still trying to master childhood milestones?
Remember my friends, your child’s story involves being a survivor. The survivors may look good on the outside, but they are “surviving” at the moment. It’s what it costs them, internally, every time they have to survive that stands in the way of healing. That gets in the way of your ability to have positive, loving, trusting relationships.
Many misunderstand survival behavior as defiance. Many misinterpret their child’s emotional inability to handle a moment, finish a job, do a task, relate to a person, be careful about an item, interpret a nuance, etc., as defiance, manipulation, or worse yet, a lack of conscience. golden respect.
I once had a client who was very frustrated with her twelve year old daughter. She really felt that when her son didn’t do her homework the right way, at the right time without being reminded, she was being disrespectful and showing that he didn’t really love her. (I’ve done that, I get it!) Now, my response is usually something like… “Would you ask a 3 year old to complete that job the right way every time, at the right time without you having to do that?” You ask? It sounds ridiculous when you say it like that, doesn’t it? His daughter was SO emotionally 3!
Get to know your child at their emotional age as well as their chronological age…and most of the time in that order!
I want to challenge you to start today and every day by remembering to read every word on every page. Do not assume or paraphrase. Don’t look for the end to be like someone else’s end. When we look clearly at our children’s pages, we can meet them where they are, allowing us to build the safety net they have lost. From that web comes confidence, self-esteem, self-regulation, and the belief that I am worthy of goodness… from the web comes healing!